One of the things I deal with most often, is the lack of emotional “attachment” of distant dudes. Their girlfriends and wives are understandably concerned and looking for solutions; is it possible to learn how to make a man become emotionally attached to you, and not just sexually? If so, how?
Now, I’ve personally never had an issue with emotional attachment, but that also means that I know how that attachment comes to happen. I know what makes us “tick,” so to speak, and what gets our emotions flowing. Believe it or not, we are not made of stone and we can open up emotionally, we just do it at our own pace.
Here are a few of the issues women bring to me:
Ouch, this one is a doozy. As a guy who’s been cheated on, I can relate to his lack of trust in women. You may think that sure, what she did was terrible, but you are not her. And you’d be right. However, he is hurt and distrustful right now, and he is not going to risk his heart again by trusting you. What this means is that in order to get him to get attached to you (emotionally), you have to show him that he can trust you. Demonstrate your loyalty and that you would never hurt him.
Keep in mind that telling him over and over is not going to be enough. I’m sure not having his trust is frustrating, especially since you know that you would never do anything to hurt him, but you can’t get mad, lose your patience, or get irritated that he just won’t trust you.
If you snap at him because of it, you are taking steps backwards, instead of forward.
You can get him attached to you by exhibiting gentle behavior, being there for him, supporting him, and not giving him any reason to distrust you. Just be yourself – that is the most powerful thing you can do.
This one is so common, and so, so sad. This kind of toxic masculinity that doesn’t allow men to show their emotions and express their feelings is to blame for a lot of the issues men face with themselves and in their relationships.
He’s been taught that “real men” don’t do this, and “real men” don’t do that – usually, “this” and “that” meaning express emotions, share feelings, open up to someone else, etc. This idea that man = stone cold, unemotional robot has got to go, but can you undo all those years of programming?
Yes, you can. With patience, gentleness and sharing your own emotions. What you need to do is create a safe space for him; he needs to feel comfortable, and he needs to trust you before he will confide in you.
You have no idea how hard it is for a man to leave all those preconceived ideas behind and be able to express himself without feeling “girly,” “like a sissy”, or “feminine.” This includes crying, saying “I love you,” admitting when he is wrong, saying “I’m sorry,” etc. Basically, everything his father has never been able to do.
Next we have the chronically single man. He has been alone his entire life, and he is just not used to having a lady around (ouch).
Sometimes, men like to stick to their man-caves, and getting out only for sex at your place, before retreating to his own space, is a very appealing arrangement. But one that is not fair to you, if what you are looking for is a relationship. And if he is upfront and honest with you and says that he doesn’t want a relationship, then there’s not much you can do.
However, if he has indicated that he wants this or at least, that he is open to it, then he needs to step up his game and you can help him with that.
The key, here, is not to rush him or impose. Ease him into this instead of just installing yourself in his life. If you try to take him from always being alone to suddenly having to deal with you non-stop, you’re going to scare, annoy and irritate him. Instead of bringing him closer, you’re going to drive him away.
At first, invite him to hang out at your place and maybe spend the night, allow him to become part of your routine, etc. Slowly, he’ll get used to it and make room for you in his own life, and that includes opening up to you about his feelings.
This is one of the most hurtful feelings in the world. There is nothing worse than feeling like your partner doesn’t really want you there or doesn’t enjoy spending time with you. In your case, this may be because he doesn’t want to show it or doesn’t know how. But it may also be because he is unsure. I’m going to teach you how to make sure that he is becoming emotionally attached to you. The secret is simple: be happy.
Yep, it’s as easy as that. A sad, broken, depressed woman is going to scare him, especially if you ask him to “fix” you. That is not a task for a guy who is not good with his emotions.
Instead, be the light of his life. Show him how fun and happy you are and how you are a positive influence in his life. People love other positive people, and they are more comfortable sharing things and opening up to them. Negativity brings everyone down, but your happiness can heighten his spirit and endear him. Laugh, make jokes and be playful around him; without even realizing it, he will grow more and more attached to you and the positive energy you radiate.
With men, it’s as simple as making us feel good. Good feelings = attachment.
Blayne Ketcham offers a ton of dating advice & a relationship program for women. After going through his free email-advice series, you'll understand how men think & what they truly desire. You'll also discover how to connect with any man using one simple method. This blog contains general thoughts and ramblings about relationship problems.