Every time I talk to women about emotionally unavailable men and their relationship with them, one question crops up time and time again: “How do I make an emotionally unavailable man fall in love with me?” The question is as desperate as it is hopeless, because deep down, they all know that it’s a mission destined to fail. It’s impossible they think, because you can’t force a man to love you. And that’s true, you can’t; but that doesn’t mean a guy who is emotionally unavailable can’t fall in love with you.
Confused? Read on.
What you need to do is follow some steps and some basic rules.
These rules are meant to show him that you are trustworthy, that you are willing to give him time, that you are not here to pressure him into something that he doesn’t want and that you don’t want to change him. Meanwhile, he gets to see how incredible and wonderful you are, in addition to all the other qualities I just listed. Slowly, but surely, he’ll get attached and it’ll be easier for him to open up emotionally. Soon, he’ll be wondering why the hell he wouldn’t commit to you – after all, he wouldn’t want to lose you, would he?
First and foremost, you have to get into it with him and understand where his issues stem from. Has he recently gotten out of a relationship? Maybe he is separated or going through a divorce? Perhaps his parents didn’t have a stable relationship when he was a child, or maybe he just has too many issues on his mind at the moment to have the time and the emotional availability required of a real relationship. Regardless of the reason, you’re going to have to make an effort to understand why he is the way he is and why he is having difficulty opening up to you.
Chances are that he won’t be willing to tell you all about what he’s going through… and the male mind can be difficult to understand. I should know, right?
It may not always seem like the decisions he makes or his thought process is logical. You may consider talking to another guy about it; talk a little about your guy’s behavior and see what comes up. You never know who may be able to help you with information. This way, you will genuinely understand what your (distant) man is going through and you’ll be able to offer support.
Next, you have to demonstrate that you are willing to respect his terms. If he tells you point-blank that he can’t be your boyfriend, then you’re going to have to respect that. What can he commit to? Casual dating? Hooking up once in a while? Seeing each other regularly, but no strings attached? It’s important to only go as far as he is ready for. Trust me, nothing will scare a guy away faster than if you’re trying to move too fast or force him into a commitment he doesn’t want. I’ve personally fled from a situation like that before and I know others who have.
Remember those embarrassing videos they used to show us in high-school about not pressuring each other into sex? Well, the principle is still the same and it can still apply to sex, but also to other activities that he may not be quite ready for. In a relationship that is imbalanced, like this one, you may be tempted to go faster than he wants to, because you are falling for him and you want things to progress, but you have to take his feelings into consideration.
I can tell you straight off the bat, he doesn’t really want to meet your parents. He wouldn’t be thrilled about spending a weekend away with your best friend and her husband either, so maybe lay off the suggestions. If you agree to wait and take it at his pace and then you spring commitment on him, he will only shut back down again, because he’ll get scared. Really scared.
Perhaps the most important thing I can teach you is to have patience. Remember that you’re in this for the long-haul, so you have to stick to your guns. Change is not going to happen overnight, so you need to stand by him long enough for him to start realizing how much he really wants you in his life. Emotional issues are not easy to get over, so your guy may need a little time. I’m sure you already know that it’s not easy for us to deal with feelings anyway, so it may take him a good, long while.
I know you think he won’t notice or appreciate it, but he will, trust me. You think he doesn’t know that he hasn’t been offering much, but you are still there? It’s remarkable, and he will grow to appreciate it very much; that’s the start of some real feelings being developed. Patience is a virtue and in this case, it’s one that can bring you a lot of joy and benefits.
Now, an essential part – make sure that he knows exactly what you have to offer in this relationship. You’re cute, smart, sexy, funny, laid-back, understanding, independent, and you have a full and interesting life of your own. You don’t actually need him and that is a very attractive feature believe it or not.
Look, we like what we can’t have and we like “catching” something or someone that doesn’t necessarily want to be caught. You already have everything you need, so why would you stick around for him? That is what you should get him thinking.
Suddenly, he sees you in a new light. He sees everything you bring to the table and how another very lucky guy could snatch you right up from under his nose. He needs to realize that unless he commits, he’s going to lose you. At this point, he makes an important realization; a breakthrough. He doesn’t want to let you go, because he’s fallen in love with you. This is the point where you need to bring him and he’s yours. Good luck!
Blayne Ketcham offers a ton of dating advice & a relationship program for women. After going through his free email-advice series, you'll understand how men think & what they truly desire. You'll also discover how to connect with any man using one simple method. This blog contains general thoughts and ramblings about relationship problems.