If you’re here reading this, you are most likely dating an emotionally unavailable man. Stop me if this sounds familiar to you… no matter how much you try, you can’t get him to talk to you. Yeah? Well, if you could learn how to get an emotionally unavailable man to open up, would that be something worth exploring?
I know how it goes – I hear it all the time. He won’t tell you anything, he won’t share, and he won’t let you “in.” This is not only annoying for you, but it’s also damaging your relationship. How can you hope to have a real, meaningful connection, if he will not share things with you? Is there any kind of solution to this problem? In my experience, yes, so perk up your ears and listen carefully.
You have to understand something about us men: we just don’t “work” in the same way as women do. I see you rolling your eyes, but it’s true. There are some differences between the sexes and the way we express ourselves is one of them. I know you ladies are more emotional, but guys are just not like that.
That’s partly because of social conditioning, but also partly because that’s how we’re built and our genetic makeup. We’re used to holding it in or working out our anger and frustration, not talking about them or bonding over this.
That means that you can’t expect him to express himself the same way you do, so don’t pressure him to talk very much, tell you what he’s thinking, what he feels, or anything like that. And especially not on command.
Let me give you a practical example: my girl likes to come home from work and talk to me about her day. That’s how she unwinds, by talking about what’s bothering her, what made her happy, etc. I, on the other hand, prefer to sit in silence and read or play a video game or some other mindless task. That’s how I unwind.
It’s important for you to give him this space to be himself and deal with stuff in his own way. And when he needs to come to you for support, take him in. What he may need is for you to go with him on a nature walk to work out his frustrations, or let him play some football. As long as you allow him to express his emotions in his own time and in his own way, he will open up to you.
Another thing you have to know is that you should never chase him down. I mean it; never do this. Men love doing the chasing but hate it when they feel pressured or hounded down. Especially when you insist on him doing a certain thing that he doesn’t want to do or isn’t ready to do (it feels a lot like nagging).
That’s because it is nagging and we hate it more than anything in the world. That’s the worst thing you can do. In fact, if you want to get rid of a man, nag him, and he’ll be gone before you know it.
So, apply this bit of male wisdom to your situation with your emotionally unavailable guy and don’t try to start the conversation about his feelings. It’s very important to let him come to you when he feels ready. If you pressure him to open up, that will only make him refuse and close up even more, and that is completely counterproductive. I know you may lose patience sometimes, but you have to understand how sensitive this is. It’s all about making him feel comfortable enough to come to you with his issues, and you can do that by letting him be.
When you hold something too tight, it will wiggle itself out of your grasp, but when you let it run free and unrestricted, it will come back to you.
Let me put this in a very simple, but effective way. Imagine you have a puppy. If you try to force him to do something or chase him around, he will run away from you.
If you let him come to you, however, you can bet he’ll soon be all over you, licking your face in gratitude. It’s the same with men – well, except the licking your face part. Unless you’re into that sort of thing…
If there’s something a man loves, it’s a woman with a sense of humor and a woman who doesn’t take herself too seriously. There’s nothing worse than a stuck-up bitch and nothing sexier than a laid-back, funny girl. Use positivity, laughter and good humor in your favor to lift up his spirits and brighten up any situation.
From what I’ve noticed about women, they subscribe to the “misery loves company” school of thought, but we’re different; we don’t like to dwell on the sad stuff, so distracting us with humor is greatly appreciated.
In addition, humor is an excellent way to actually open a more serious discussion. “Serious talks” don’t necessarily have to be all grave and somber. That just freaks us out and makes us uncomfortable. You can totally talk about a sensitive matter in a light-hearted way, or extend your support.
If the situation is tense, we are way less likely to open up and tell you about our stuff, but if it’s light and fun… it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, you know? And it’s easier to actually talk.
Obviously, not all men are the same,and I am engaging in a bit of a generalization, here, but at the same time, I have never met a situation that wasn’t made better with the use of some light-hearted conversation. Women deal with the heavy stuff better, but we tend to get scared.
So just approach it like you would with a kid; cushion it… placate us. Make us feel at ease and we will open right up like a book. If you don’t believe it, try it and get back to me. You’ll see what I’m talking about.
Blayne Ketcham offers a ton of dating advice & a relationship program for women. After going through his free email-advice series, you'll understand how men think & what they truly desire. You'll also discover how to connect with any man using one simple method. This blog contains general thoughts and ramblings about relationship problems.