Good thing you asked! This online guide is going to have you reflect on certain behaviors and techniques, so that you can learn how to get your husband back (from another woman, during a separation or after a separation).
It will allow you to open up and look at your husband situation with a clear mind. Statistics show that about 50% of marriages end in divorce. Ouch. If you’re reading this, you naturally (and desperately) want to find a way to get your husband back, right?
With such discouraging rates, it’s a miracle people are even getting married anymore. But even so, young couples fall in love and believe that against all odds, they will be the ones who will be together forever. You have to believe in it, otherwise, why would you get married in the first place, right? Unfortunately, blind faith in your relationship is not enough and neither is love.
This is why you’re here. So, the following is my dating advice for you (yes, dating advice – because your situation is now in a “start over” dating phase, albeit with your husband).
Some women have run out of fingers to count how many relationships they have had that were loving, but that ultimately resulted in failure, including one with their husband. Is that something they are proud of?
Hell no. But it does go to show that relationships and having a husband for that matter, are hard work and that too many times, the couples who walk together in front of the altar have no idea what they are in for.
You however, have been married before… and then unsurprisingly, you became separated or divorced. Still with me? Good (so far, no earth-shattering news for you).
What makes you different is that, unlike all the other bitter couples who end up hating each other after their break-up, you’ve realized that either you or your husband made a mistake, even if you or him aren’t aware of it yet. Yes, there is ALWAYS a mistake from either one or both of you. A relationship does not simply end with the moon passing by one night.
You didn’t really want to separate from your husband (did you?). You should have worked through it. You do love your husband after all and you want him back. You’re not ready to give up on him just yet.
The fact you’re here means your husband plays a big role in your life, your heart and your emotional well-being. And if this were a romantic comedy, all you’d have to do is run to his house in the middle of the night (in the rain) confess your feelings and the two of you would kiss, have sex and you would have your husband back in your arms.
Well, this isn’t a romantic comedy. But that doesn’t mean you can’t get your husband back and have the happy ending you’re dreaming about. At this moment, it may seem like all is lost and that you’ve blown your chance at happiness with your beloved. But not so fast! I can help you. If you want to learn how to get your husband back after a separation or during a separation, the process is the same.
Before anything else, you first have to sit down and really think about the reasons why your marriage has gone sour.
You can’t move forward until you’re able to pinpoint exactly what went wrong with your husband and why the relationship has deteriorated. This way, you will know what you need to do to get your husband back from another woman, from despair, or whatever the issue is. There are some common reasons for separations like this and I am going to go into detail about a few of them.
Ready? Here are some points to reflect upon…
I’m sure you’re sick of all the people reminding you how important communication is, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to do the same thing. Its importance cannot be overstated, as communication is essential to a healthy, functioning relationship. If you really think about it, you can’t expect a relationship to work if the two of you’re not open and honest with each other, right?
Wait! I know this one by heart because women I know have lived through it more times than they should have. Your husband hates talking about his feelings. You tried to get him to open up in the beginning, but after that you just let him be.
That worked for a while, but as life went on, things started “happening” for each of you and the issues were not brought up as much as they should have been. You knew that he wouldn’t listen and he didn’t know how to start communicating; he never had to before. After years of lack of communication, you start fighting or just quietly resenting each other.
Now, if this happened in your marriage, I have good news and bad news.
Communication problems are universal, because even though communication is vital, we’re not all that great at it. In fact, we often suck.
Working towards facilitating communication is not the easiest thing in the world, especially when a man is involved. They are known for favoring noises or grumbles over talking, not to mention that many guys think that “soft” feelings are for “pussies”. Perhaps your husband is one of them.
Obviously, that attitude is harmful, but so is your tendency to overshare or nag your husband all day long. I know why you do it, but it still kills your relationship. We’re going to talk more about your communication issues and how to solve them in a little bit.
Before that, let’s head over to a very common and sad scenario…
Now, this is where the game changes, because you went from him and “having marital problems” to him and “having marital problems and misguidedly seeking comfort elsewhere”.
I am very confident in saying that finding out you’ve been cheated on is the equivalent of a painful a slap in the face. I won’t go into the details, but like many of you reading this right now, I understand what it’s like to have the person you trusted the most, stab you in the back.
How could he do that to you? What did he receive from the other woman that you didn’t give him? A million questions run through your mind.
The sensation is almost indescribable; the horrible feeling you have, as if you’ve been punched in the stomach. You definitely feel it physically, which doesn’t make sense, but it takes the lights out of you.
Your husband, whom you had complete and total trust in, has betrayed you and now you feel like you can’t breathe. It makes you want to rip your hair out and break everything – to turn back time and force them to admit they were wrong – to get revenge and make them feel miserable for how they ruined your life.
The room is spinning and for a moment, you can’t fully grasp what is happening, because you haven’t had a chance to process the information. There’s the truth in front of you, and then there’s what you want to think, which is that it can’t be right and there must be an explanation. There almost never is and you’ve got to come to terms with reality – he cheated on you.
Although this unfortunate “destination” is a popular one, there are many roads that can be taken to get there. The aforementioned lack of communication is one of them.
When the man in your life feels like you do not understand him or won’t even try to understand him, he goes out looking for someone who does. It does NOT make it right, but this is reality. The same reason applies to women who suddenly gravitate towards a man who gives them attention, makes them feel excited and inserts some “spice” into their daily life, even though they are happily married.
The bottom line is that people aren’t aware of what is happening until it’s too late. Heck, maybe your husband stumbled upon her by mistake, but does it even matter now? It doesn’t.
A poor sex life or the complete lack of one is another reason that creeps up often. Sex is a major part of any marriage for 99% of men. Unless you’re both asexual or have very low libidos and have struck an understanding to never have sex or only do it at some agreed upon interval, there will be problems if sex is lacking.
We all have needs, but we are also all different, which means that some of us want more sex, while others want less. What did you and your husband want? Were you on the same level? Reaching a compromise is not impossible and it can save your relationship.
Cheating is, perhaps, one of the most difficult things to get over. For a large segment of the population, it’s an absolute deal-breaker. However, that is not true of all people (as I have said before). It also largely depends on what has driven a partner to cheat, what the circumstances are in your own relationship, how your husband feels about it, how you feel about it, etc.
This is where it gets really complicated. It’s easy to blame him for being a lying bastard and going after some skank. After all, most of us are programmed to believe that it is somehow in a man’s nature to wander. But when you were the one who did the-nasty, there’s no one you can really blame but yourself. And rest assured that he will blame you as well (as he should).
Please know that no amount of “this isn’t what it looks like” will mend things; quite the opposite, really. Do not get defensive, don’t lash out and don’t try to turn it all on him. You’re in the wrong, and you must own up to it.
As far as the impact on your relationship goes, it doesn’t really matter which one of you cheated. The betrayal is still there and the loss of trust is the same. It’s a pretty heinous thing to do; there is no doubt about it. But like all things in life, infidelity is not black and white. Not to say that cheating is ever justified, but there are certain circumstances that contribute and lead to this ultimate betrayal. Let’s dig deeper.
Think about the following questions very hard. Write these down, print them out, add more of your own – do whatever you must. You get the picture. Take a few days to go over each one and expand upon them. The answer is there somewhere. You will have to dig it out…
Whatever it is, this is something you need to work out yourself.
Before you can start repairing the damage, you need to know what happened and why. There’s a chance you can bring your husband back and the two of you can repair this, but if that doesn’t work, you can also opt to ask for help. Of course, this will require some reflection on your part.
The most boring, the most mundane and the least dramatic or glamorous reason for divorce and separation is growing apart. Some women talk about being lonely while sharing a bed with their husband. Is that you? Have you ever been in bed next to your husband, feeling like you were staring at the back of a stranger?
Does it feel terrible, sobering and helpless for you? Doesn’t it make you desire those old times back again? You don’t know when this happened or why; it has taken you by surprise. All you know is that (now) you and your husband don’t really connect and you feel like you hardly even know him anymore.
It’s at this moment that you begin to truly want your husband back, to the way it used to be. Sadly, this is the course that many relationships take. After years together, you would think that you just grow closer and closer, as you get to know each other more and more intimately.
Paradoxically, most of the time, the exact opposite is true. You drift apart a little more with every day that you’re too busy to hang out. The same is true for when you have dinner alone or are stuck late at the office. Every time you don’t communicate well or when you don’t take the time to understand each other, adds to the deterioration of your relationship.
Knowledge is power! Arm yourself.
Changing, growing and evolving is normal and universal; we all change as we grow older, whether we realize it or not. The problems begin to appear when you change in different ways than your husband, instead of closer ways. It’s hard to bring your husband back when you drift further apart over time.
Some say that this is just the course of life and a sign of incompatibility. It’s best to give it up and each take your own way, right? That may work well for a couple who hates each other, but if you still love your husband and want him back, letting him go is counter-intuitive and honestly, never give up (my .02 cents).
So… what now?
I will show you what he really thinks about you, how to make him passionate again, how to get inside his mind, & so much more!
I know what you’re thinking: “Why should I apologize if it’s not my fault?!“ Perhaps you’re even offended at the thought, especially if your husband cheated on you. But hear me out for a second; in order to heal, both of you have to own up to your own blame, even if you have trouble seeing any blame in yourself. It can feel crazy, but it works well.
If YOU are at fault, an apology is a 100% must. Here’s the thing though… it allows you to find some solace of bettering yourself and taking your mind off the act he committed.
There are two people in any relationship and both of them contribute to the success and failure of it. That means that you’re both to blame for your separation. Something I want to make VERY clear, is that it is NOT your fault if your husband cheated on you.
With that said, it is worth thinking about what your relationship has been like, how you have been behaving towards your spouse and how that might have made him feel.
These are all important aspects because they all played a part in the deterioration of your relationship.
Therefore, after a break-up, separation or even a divorce, the first step towards reconciliation is to signal to your husband that you’re willing to admit your own faults. Apologize for everything you may have done wrong over the course of your relationship and all the ways in which you may have come short. This seems ass-backward but I assure you that this will have a 100% positive result:
With this single first move, you’re setting the tone for your future interactions.
This isn’t about you telling him you’re sorry for making him cheat. Chances are 99% and higher that you’re not the reason he went to another woman. Remember, the main purpose of this exercise is simply to open up a communication channel between the two of you, by letting him know that you also are human.
It allows for a “common” point from which to start talking again without turning into a huge fight. This initial step is overwhelmingly important, so don’t blow it and only do it when you’re ready and level-headed.
Go into it with honesty and an open heart, but don’t allow your emotions to get the best of you. We’ll get back to that last part in a sec.
Now that you’ve gotten over that super terrifying first step, you can move on to the next stage in repairing your damaged relationship. Remember when we were talking about communication earlier? Well, now is the time to go deeper into the issue.
Communication is just as important as before, even AFTER you separate. Perhaps it’s even more important now because it is the one thing that can bring your husband back (hence the exercise before).
All those things that were left unsaid? All the stuff that you never clarified? Now you have the chance to talk it out.
That’s right; you’re going to do what he hates most in the world (sorry, dude!): talk, talk, and talk some more. This is something you both need for a number of different reasons, regardless of whether you want to get back together or not.
What will help you is to think of the post-breakup talk as a “purge” of sorts. I don’t mean that you should throw everything you hate about him in his face (that’s a bit too much even though it would feel great and justified), but that you should put everything on the table.
I want you both to say what went wrong on your part, what felt off, and what expectations remained unfulfilled. This way, everyone has all the information and you will both be on the same page.
Do you see why the “I’m sorry” exercise is so important now?
This is the only way you can start mending this relationship. Even if you don’t ultimately end up back together, if you hope to have any kind of decent relationship (especially if you have children), you must learn how to communicate again, how to talk and how to open up to each other. This leaves room for re-establishing a connection, which I am going to talk about.
Here comes the tricky part… is it possible to reconnect with an ex-husband? Can you bring “the husband back”?
In my experience of dealing with women, this is a VERY delicate matter, but if you play your cards right, yes, it is entirely possible to reconnect in order to create a new bond, strengthen the old one, build a friendship and go back to what once brought you together, perhaps even with a better bond after the fact.
Of course, in order to achieve all of this, there has to be a will on both sides. You may wish for a connection all you want, but if the relationship has been wrecked beyond repair, pushing for it will only make things worse. Trust me.
So, how do you do it? Well, you need to take it slow. Whatever you do, don’t – I repeat, DO NOT – rush things, because you may just ruin it all.
The secret to this, is to let things evolve on their own and move forward naturally. Pick things up and start talking again, but keep it 100% casual. This means there are some things that you need to avoid:
What you’re seeking is to make a clear distinction in your relationship. You’re not trying to get him back – no, sir; how did you get that idea ;), but only trying to maintain a good relationship with your ex.
That means that you need to back off and allow him to run free for a while. I know you’ve developed some wife reflexes over the years, but you’re going to have to rein them in. Remember that you’re now on friendly terms, but you ARE still separated, so act like it. Trust me, this is going to make sense in a second and it will pay off big in the long run.
A major mistake a lot of women make is thinking that in order to win their husbands back, they need to turn into “Mrs. All Nice, All The Time”. Nothing could be farther from the truth. How nice you’re also depends on who was really at fault. Usually the cheating spouse will carry more “sorry” around and try to make their beloved feel far more loved than before.
Turning into a yes-wife will backfire in multiple ways: he will not believe you’re sincere first of all, but most importantly, he will start taking you for granted and he will not value what you represent. Retain your worth!
To put it bluntly, he will just not respect you as much. I know it’s harsh, but I am a believer in being realistic.
If there’s anything you should have learned in biology, it’s that at their core, men are hunters by nature. They love the chase and the game and they will never settle for something that comes easy.
And you, my friend, come easy to him if you’re too nice. That’s right, by waiting on him hand and foot, you’re actively driving him away, because you’re making yourself seem undesirable and allowing him to walk all over you. That’s counterproductive both for your self-respect and for your ultimate goal of getting your man back.
This may not be obvious to either of you as it happens, but under the surface – that is what is playing out in his mind.
Instead, play hard to get. That’s right, it’s a bit “teenager-ish”, but so what? Now is the time to use all of your skill-set. What have you got to lose at this point? Also, please note that I do not suggest you go from talking it out with him after apologizing, to discussing plans, to acting giddy all within a short time span.
This may take months or years. What is important is that you want to keep the relationship lines open and be nice to him. Don’t bring up unsavory details from the past, etc.
But at the same time, make it very clear that you’re living your own life now, that you’re doing really well and that he is no longer your reason to live. Switching up the status quo will take him by surprise and make him pay attention – and you will notice the difference if he truly wants to be with you again.
Time will give you the answers and clarity you need once you put these steps into motion.
I’m going to continue now with this same idea of “switching it up” and I urge you to play it cool. Whatever you do, don’t smother him. Mark my words, this is the one thing men hate the most in the world: when women smother them, nag them and generally don’t give them space.
The more you try to hang on, the more he tries to wiggle himself out. The more you push, the more he pulls and you can easily see how this can result in overall frustration and possibly even depression (WebMD has a lot on the topic). I discuss this in my book: Source of Attraction.
Paradoxically, you can do it by leaving him alone. Yep, that’s right; it’s that simple. Just leave him be. Don’t ask questions, don’t keep tabs on him, don’t act jealous, don’t even trash-talk that bimbo he cheated on you with (even though you may have the urge to do it and I don’t blame you).
Show him that he can have all the space he wants with you – that will bring him back to you in time. Make sure he knows that you’ll grant it to him.
The no smothering rule is especially important if you were the one who was unfaithful. It is understandable for your desire to keep him close and demonstrate how sorry you are and how much you love him, but all your eagerness is driving him farther and farther away.
Keep yourself in check and he will come to you sooner, rather than later. Go overboard and you drive him directly into another woman’s arms. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
That over-eagerness I mentioned earlier? Around these parts, we call it like it is: desperation. What you need to know right now is that a man will always be able to sniff your desperation from a mile away. The problem is that he doesn’t need to figure it out from so far away, when you’re getting in his face all the time, begging him to give you another chance. Attractive, huh? Not at all.
Look, I am familiar with the temptation to beg and plead with him to stay and try to make it work, but that will just make you look bad. Women try that a lot and it will not work. It’s a natural reaction, yes – but if you need to beg the man who is supposed to be your husband, to stay with you – something is REALLY wrong.
You’ll look weak and desperate and making a scene will not change his mind. Instead, it will drive him away so fast, that it’ll make your head spin. A good rule of thumb is not to try anything overly dramatic because it will not go down well. In fact, let’s lay down some ground rules:
Let me tell you a short story
I knew a woman who was dumped by a man she loved very much. Needless to say, she was devastated and in her stupor, she did everything she could think of to get him back.
Unfortunately for her, this included openly sobbing in front of him, begging on her knees, calling him way too many times and sending long letters. Did she get him back? Nope. But she did get known as the “psycho ex.” Learn from her mistakes.
Now, this point is very important, so I’m going to need you to pay attention. Once you were able to get close again and maybe even rekindle a possible romance, you need to be extremely careful to remember that this is, essentially, a new relationship, or at very least, an improved one.
What does that mean? That means you are going to work hard NOT to repeat the same mistakes that drove you apart in the first place. I cannot stress enough how important it is not to fall into old patterns.
*Note: This may not apply to 100% of the cases out there, so please take some time to reflect upon your personal situation.
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results – remember this, it’ll be relevant shortly.
It’s so easy to just revert to the status quo; you won’t even feel it happening. You’ll enjoy one week of giddiness and then the next thing you know, you are back to ignoring each other, not communicating, not having sex, etc. If you aren’t doing anything differently, then why in the world would you think things will not turn out the exact same way as they did before? Do you agree that it’s insanity?
Good. Now that we’re on the same page, we can start talking about what you should be doing and that is making an effort. Yes, both of you. If you want to save your marriage, you should actively and consciously avoid the mistakes you once made and focus on keeping the relationship fresh, happy and healthy. That’s the best marriage advice anyone could give you at this point in time. It’s a lot of work, but it’s worth it if you are serious about staying married to your husband.
After a separation – both people need to change their behavior in order for it to work again. The one who was hurt needs to now become far stronger than they ever were and the one who is asking for forgiveness needs to drastically change their mindset, morals and outlook on how they approach life.
Which one are you?
Okay! You’ve decided that you are not going to repeat the mistakes you’ve made in the past. So, what are you going to do now? Well, you are going to work on your issues. Yeah, it’s not easy, because it involves the two of you admitting your own faults and making efforts to repair your damaged relationship. And as you will know, admitting that you wronged someone (particularly someone you love) is a real bitch.
Deciding to work on your issues is what I like to call a grownup thing to do. You must own up to your mistakes and what went wrong because that’s the only way you can move on and make things better.
Ask yourself these questions and reflect on them.
You know what you need to do.
Admitting it is the first step (yep, exactly like a 12-step program) and then you can move on to repairing the marriage that was damaged by years of neglect or miscommunication (if that is indeed the case). Not to mention the fact that he will be super impressed (and want to impress you) and touched by this display of maturity and good will.
What I want you to do is make a list of the ways in which you wronged your husband and the ways in which he wronged you. With this, you possess a clear idea of what exactly needs to be worked on and with this list, you’ve got an action plan. Remember, you need to know what is wrong in order to fix it. Make sense?
It’s entirely possible for you and your husband to resolve your problems between the two of you, but if that doesn’t work or you don’t know where to start, then I suggest marriage counseling. No, don’t make that face I know you’re making right now. Marriage counseling is not as bad as it sounds.
It’s a bit like going to a shrink, but it will help you in ways you may not experience otherwise. Counseling is good for you as a couple and for each of you as individuals. It has an entire host of benefits:
Yeah, convincing a guy to go to marriage counseling is not going to be easy (I can hear him now: “It’s gonna cost me HOW much?!“), but the promise of a neutral third party that will listen to both of you will appeal to him.
Men often feel like they are misunderstood and that they lose in marriage no matter what, because most of them are poor communicators on intimate matters. Well, no longer, because a counselor can help your husband express exactly what he means and they can help the two of you overcome your problems.
Depending on your situation, it may be free or not and if it’s not, it may not be cheap, but for the tremendous help they offer, the price is definitely right. What is better than getting your husband back to how he used to be?
Finally, I want to talk about your feelings and emotions. A great deal of my work talks about emotions and how they dictate a lot of the decisions we make in life. Emotions are very important.
I know they run high, especially during and after a divorce. Separations are messy, heartbreaking and they generally take a toll on your sanity.
It is vitally important for you not to allow your emotions to get the best of you. That means that you should rein them in and if you can’t, learn how to control them more. Start with the baby steps; no dramatic declarations, no over the top demonstrations of love or hate, no shouting things, no hitting and screaming, no promising undying love. Basically, whatever you are feeling right now, zip it!
I know this is about love, but you must allow your mind to lead you, instead of your heart (at least in this situation). If you have told yourself, “I want to get my husband back!“, then you need to think about a logical approach instead of late night sobbing phone calls. One will bring him back, the other will not.
It is not easy and no one said it would be – but it is possible to succeed.
No matter what you are feeling and how you are dying on the inside, don’t let your husband see it on your face. You have to keep your game face on, your poker face or whatever kind of face you want, as long as he can’t tell what you are thinking. He should come back when you act in this manner.
You have to keep things mysterious and let him wonder what you are thinking, what you are feeling and whether or not you are thinking about him.
They’d never admit it, but men are consumed by the same kind of thoughts women are:
This works to your advantage because it pushes him to make the first move towards a possible reconciliation. This is how to get your husband back. He is curious and he is longing for you, and you are going to keep it light and casual. Remember that slow and steady wins the race. And as long as he can’t tell what your over-the-top emotions are, you have the upper hand.
There you have it! Winning your husband back is something that may seem down right impossible at times, but which is totally doable if you know the right moves and if you are both somewhat willing to work at it. I’ve perfected this strategy over years of trial and error and it truly is an honor for me to share it with you. Hey, someone has to, right? All you have to do is keep your head cool and follow the steps outlined above.
You have to remain patient, don’t get ahead of yourself and most important of all, don’t scare him off.
Men have a tendency to run for the hills as soon as they smell drama, so you’d better hide it well. Work at it slowly and steadily and keep your eyes on the prize. Sooner or later, you’ll get your marriage and your husband back on track, right where you want it. Good luck and please share your thoughts below!
I will show you what he really thinks about you, how to make him passionate again, how to get inside his mind, & so much more!
Blayne Ketcham offers a ton of dating advice & a relationship program for women. After going through his free email-advice series, you’ll understand how men think & what they truly desire. You’ll also discover how to connect with any man using one simple method. This blog contains general thoughts and ramblings about relationship problems.